Life Loving Jesus

You know those times in life when everything seems a bit anti-climactic? It’s another one of those. I feel like clarity is so abundant, and yet like I’m in that foggy desert and can’t see 10 feet in front of me.

Then I remember in that foggy desert, I found God. I found the presence of the ONE who holds my heart.

I have a deep desire to be found. Found by the man whom God is preparing for me. Somehow I feel I know him already, but there’s so much uncertainty. He hasn’t called me for months, hasn’t responded to the couple chats I’ve tried to start conversation with, and seems really just busy. I’m sure the non-responsiveness has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with whatever God is doing in his life. And that’s perfectly alright. I just find the waiting SO tedious. The uncertainty of whether or not there’s anything that could deepen our friendship is making me wake up with thoughts of sending him an email, or another message, or something. But that doesn’t feel right either.

There’s a high probability that I don’t know him already though, and this keeps me on the side of the fence where I’m not going to try and chase down a guy who God hasn’t told me is mine. I’ve done that before and it’s always turned out wrong. ALWAYS. Every time.

So this time, I’m waiting. Standing by. Praying every day that he’s protected and pursuing our King with his whole heart. I’m asking God like never before to intervene in our lives and show us His way. His time. I believe deep in my heart, that whatever God wills, WILL be, when we continually seek Him. May we seek YOU God. May we seek you so much that you lead us to each other. That you lead him to find me. To start that weird and uncertain conversation of our potentiality for serving together on the same mission, with oneness of purpose.

I really don’t want to wake up thinking about any guy anymore. Wondering if he likes me or not, wondering if he’s ever thought about me as a potential marriage partner. I keep asking God to take away the thoughts of him, and I still believe that God will, if that’s His will.

Restoration of the mind is a slow process. For many years I was either unconscious or indifferent towards recovery. There were always moments, days, even weeks when I’d awaken and desire improvement, but often through various circumstances and influence, I’d carry right on with falling asleep again, loving the dream more than the light of day. Numbing the pain, distracting the mind. Chasing the temporary high, tricking myself into thinking it was part of rejuvenation.

I’m wary of close relationships because I see how they’ve affected me. How traps are often disguised and hidden in my deepest longings. I have a little clarity now, but maybe I don’t see it all. My recent amnesia leads me to mistrust of my self; the worst kind of feelings.

Genesis. The beginning of something new. I’m so grateful for the past few months, which have prepared me for a new decade. For the stories in the prophets, the metaphors that showed me my deep need of repentance and abidance in Christ. For the revelations of the love and perfect timing of my Creator, the one who is giving me new life. For the opportunity to be born new again, and to live in the Spirit, to breathe in the breath of God each morning.

I’m grateful for the reality that I haven’t married, as the past years have taught me alot about the huge responsibility that entails, and how much sacrifice true love takes. And here in my single state, I don’t even know the half of it. I’m sure it’ll take a lifetime and eternity to really KNOW love, whether I get to experience it through marriage covenant or not. I’m grateful that the last decade has brought me to my current knowledge of and devotion to God, so that I can be prepared for the refinement and bliss that matures through life loving Jesus in each of the seasons to come.