sometimes i wonder about who i’ve become. about what i know and what i’ve experienced. where i’m going and what i think that is leading me there.
sometimes i wonder about the god i believe in. sometimes i doubt that everything i think i know is true. i’ve seen miracles, i’m being transformed, but is there something more?
see i know the answer is yes. a resounding, earth shaking YES.
am i impatient? or is time irrelevant? YES.
is my vision failing? or are my spectacles foggy? YES.
have i become distracted? or is my intention too focused? YES.
life can be a series of questions, with few answers in between. but if we ever stop asking the questions, it would be like getting stuck in quicksand — sinking slowly until it becomes more and more difficult to get away from the stagnant cesspool of arrogant thinking.
so today i’m stepping back, to reassess, reconsider, reflect, and ask the questions again…
who is god?
who am i?
what am i here to do?
a being created for love.
if all the answers i find are love, but my reality leaves me longing in one way or another, how am i living my true potential?
the love of god completes me, but i wasn’t created to live on earth as one human being.
is it really a miracle every time boy meets girl and it leads to a lifetime, later eternity of true love together?
are all the items on the list really crucial?
how did humanity become so broken?
did my heart grow a shell?
maybe the answers aren’t important right now, maybe sickness makes me reconsider all the decisions i’ve made in the past. maybe in my weakness i just need a shoulder to lean on.
the doctor said i think too much, well i think he’s right. but i don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to admit that i’m alone and may always be. i don’t know how to let go of a perfect fantasy.
so i’ll wait another lifetime, and just grow in the meantime, maybe next time will be like the first time, and i’ll somehow wake up and be fine.