The Illusionist

They tell you to keep your head up, to not get discouraged. They say that it will get better, that the worst is behind you. “So many people are in worse situations, get over it.”
Dig your nails into your palms, it feels good. <feel the physical pain> Imagine that in the depths of your soul.

Imagine not being able to breathe. Gasping for oxygen when there is none to be had. Every muscle in your body becomes tense, stiff, immobile. Your lips shape APPLAUSE. The only lyric you relate to.

Is it vain to say I crave? Should I be ashamed to admit that I need a little encouragement?

I don’t understand. I may never. Do you?

Do you understand death? Can you tell me exactly why? How? Is it planned? How is it interpreted? Is it real?

Reality. What a joke. I’m waiting for someone to call my name. To summon me to the next realm, give me a reason to leave this disgustingly sick place.

They tell me I’m strong, they tell me I’m doing so well. Its almost embarrassing to admit that I’m cracking beneath the seams. I cant cry out loud. someone will hear. I cant not eat. Someone will notice. If I stop going to work, my reputation will suffer. If I’m not responsible someone will call me out.

Is my cover a reality? Is my reality a cover? Is this life a practice run? Is this practice run real life? How do I keep him alive? How do I remember? How do I remember his voice? His hugs? His touch?

I feel like he left so quickly, so out of place.


Mascara tries to hide the swollen eyes, lipstick for the cracked lips. A cream for the wrinkles that are showing too early, hair dye for the greys I never hope to find.

I don’t want to the world to see, but I need you to know. I hope this never happens to you. It’s terrible. It’s horrible.

And then it happened to me.

What did I do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me?
Is it too much to ask that one person really understand? Is it too much to ask for someone who really cares?

My heart hurts and it doesn’t stop. There is no drug that can ease the pain, no sentiment that makes it easier.

Its a pain that will last my entire lifetime and I don’t know how to understand that. they say time heals the hurt, but time never runs backwards. I’m terrified of what time will bring me in the future. Apparently time cannot guarantee anything.

Wealth, fame and peace of mind are gifts from the Higher Power. Gifts that I must live without. Privileges that you take for granted, things that may vanish at any moment, leaving you with nothing. Nothing to believe in, nothing to look forward to.

I pray that you never experience my pain. I hope that you never know death too soon. There is a time and place for everything. This was not his time or place. It was not his end. Someone had to make it short. And I HATE that someone for it. I am bitter. Nothing helps that he is gone. I am alone and it is the most terrible thing in the world.

Underestimate my pain. Ignore my sentiment.

I live for him. I am here because I know he would want me to be. I smile because he wouldn’t want me to frown. If you cant tell my smile is broken then I have done my job.



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