Vulnerability Complex

Sometimes my life is really depressing. Theres no way to get around it, its just part of who I am. Ive always been kind of awkwardly shy. I didnt have alot of friends growing up, I was homeschooled. I was bullied. I remember this girl who used to make fun of me in 6th grade. Shes still kind of sketchy. I was too skinny. Everyone said I had chicken legs. I had crooked teeth, then I had braces for 2 years. I had weird hair, bushy eyebrows, and bad style. I never used a flat iron until my sophomore year of highschool. First day of my freshman year I ate lunch in the bathroom. There was a point in time when my dog was my best friend. Id sit in my closet and cry and just hug her.

I used to have really bad nightmares. I used to self harm. There was a point in time when I stopped eating for 2 months. It wasnt a secret. I had a problem. But I got better, at least not so extreme. But I still struggle. I struggle with depression. I still have the nightmares sometimes, and sometimes I think about planning my funeral.

Ive always had boyfriends. Until lately. From my freshman year of highschool to my 3rd year in college I had boyfriends. They always used to like me. Maybe I wasnt very picky. My longest relationship has been 6 months. For a while I was hardly ever single.

Ive now been single for almost 3 years. The last time I saw my dad he asked me if I had a boyfriend. He said I used to always have one. That it seemed like I couldnt survive without one. It made me wonder, what happened? Sometimes I wish I could say Ive had a 4 year relationship or something like that. I feel so left out of that circle. I have no idea what a long term relationship is like.

Im still weird. I like weird food, I have limited music and movie interests. I like to paint, and write and post on my blog that no one reads. I hate wearing pants, I dont really like my short hair. I dont feel pretty lately. Some nights I feel like crying just because I feel so alone.

Being grown up is really hard. I hate living alone. Or with people Im not really friends with. Its lonely. I miss my dog. I miss my friends.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. No idea what kind of job I want to have in the future. No idea if Ill ever meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. All my friends have found their someone. And one by one theyre getting engaged, having kids, moving on. Im stuck in this awkward early twenty crisis. Im not crazy about partying. I just want to be content. I want to be comfortable, not awkward. I constantly wonder what other people think of me. Not that I really care, but I wonder. Im very self aware.

Im having a meltdown. And I dont know who to tell or how to handle it. Im scared, and Im alone, and I hate being a grown up. I hate having to take care of everything myself. Does this mean Im ready to settle down? Does this mean I should move back home? Does this happen to everyone?

Sometimes I try to evaluate my life. To be really honest with myself and try to figure out what I want. And I dont even know where to start. I dont know the answers, and its so frustrating. Maybe I should see a therapist. But it sounds kind of extreme. Then again, I dont know if how I feel is normal or not. Maybe I am being extreme.

 

VULNERABILITY. putting it all out there on the line, hoping that somehow the answers will start to present themselves and everything will just fall into place.

It probably wont. Ill probably feel like this tomorrow. Maybe Im just looking for someone to tell me Im not alone. That Im not the only one who feels this way. That Im really not that awkward, and the things I say and do are not that weird. That there are crazier people in the world, that this is just part of growing up. That my depression issue isnt really a depression issue, even though its been happening for years.

Lets be honest. Im having a very hard time being alone. I dont like to say it outloud because I dont want people to pity me. But its the truth. I hate being alone and I dont know what to do about it and its making me crazy.

 

Weird awkward crazy.

 

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